I wrote a post about Observation a long while ago but I wanted to tell you about a different aspect of the subject. While my darling S. and I were talking this evening we stumbled onto another type of observation. He wrote a post for Sex Bloggers for Mental Health about Alcoholism. It was a subject he feels passionately about and I think that shows.
I asked him some questions about it. He mentioned in that post, he didn’t want to talk about a few things in the blog dynamic and he wouldn’t talk about it outside of an AA meeting. I asked him if I knew all of those things. I wanted him to know I didn’t have a need to know all of it. I wanted to know all about the man he is now, rather than the journey he took. He told me I knew everything and I did know a lot. I wasn’t asking about it because it was idle curiosity, I wanted to observe him because the post he did write was so serious. I wanted to make sure he was fine about it. He looked peaceful, like a man who had come to terms with the man he is now.
I also believed he understood why I asked.
We talk a great deal, but sometimes it isn’t about what we say, it’s about what we see and hear. S. is expressive and I can see his body language. I know when he is happy and I know when he is tired or in pain. Early on in the days when we talked on the computer I could tell those things from a long way away. Just call me psychic. He could do the same with me. We had become deeply connected.
This type of observation we use now is a joy. It is nothing to do with my submission, it is all to do with how much I love and respect my darling S. Once we developed this connect we used it always. Darling S. has such expressive eyes and I get lost in them.
My talent for observation wasn’t started from this relationship. It was born in a very different time and for much different reasons.
I needed to learn to observe my master quickly. It was a matter of survival, of knowing when he was in a bad mood or if he wanted something done right at that instance. I was protecting myself from being punished because punishment was nothing short of devastating.
I knew better than to show any emotion while he was beating me. He never used his hands directly to punish me, mainly things like crops, whips, belts, etc. I would know the look of, ‘if you make a sound this will continue.’ I knew to never try to evade the blow, and it was very difficult to do, sometimes impossible. There was a secondary affect to all this. If he was really laying into me I could fight back. I could use anger, thinly veiled to show him he would not break me. It became a dangerous game. I endured.
I was strong but I didn’t know it. I felt helpless and I had no sense of self worth. I had no idea how to end it. I also had no idea how to get away. When an older man, takes on a shy 18 year old girl he can be very persuasive when he said, as a slave, I had no rights or any means to escape.
Now the reason I have brought all of this up is to say, if you are in a relationship that is abusive like this, please know there are things you can do to get away from it. You might have been placed in a situation where you have little or no contact with the outside world. Walk out and get to your nearest hospital, or even the police station. Make a phone call to something like the Samaritan line. Find an emergency line for mental well being.
If you have family, reach out to them. Connect with another human being. Even get dressed and just walk next door to a neighbour, they will make calls for you. If you are afraid for your life or well being, the police will help you.
If he takes you out, get away from him and find someone to help you. Don’t be too afraid to do anything. This applies even if he has emotionally abused you. If he tells you that you will never find love because you were meant to be a slave he is lying.
If you are happy with your partner, and they are not abusive to you, but there is something you want to change, initiate a Meta Talk. No matter if you are a submissive or a slave, you have rights.
Back to the topic of observation. Put more energy into it and you will find your whole relationship improving. If you are watchful of your partner, they will be more watchful of you. It is within this magic happens.
If what you do does not make you happy, then it needs to either be talked about and changes must happen or you might want to leave. Next comes the single most important thing, COMMUNICATION.