This week’s post is Where do you go to when you are alone?
I have learned over the years that my thoughts can run to mayhem, and work against my logical thoughts because I have a mental illness, Bipolar. Letting my thoughts run riot brings upheaval and eventually great pain. So I have to be quite disciplined with my mind. This blog helps me no end because I can write here and keep my mind gainfully employed. I can use my imagination and hopefully write things that other people want to read.
I don’t know if this counts as being alone in my head.
I am like every person in the world and I have negative self talk. This particularly affects me the most. You know the little demon that keeps reminding you, you are not good enough, that you can’t do it or perhaps you will fail. Oh that little charmer is definitely in my head causing mayhem.
Therefore, I must be vigilant and crush that particularly wicked part of me. So what do I do when I am alone? That’s easy, I take stock. I like to look back on my day and consider if I have done things correctly, if I have done my best. If the answer is no, I consider ways I could make it better. I don’t mean being super critical, just seeing little gentle things I could do to improve myself. If I am writing my books I look at the direction of it and consider if I took full advantage of a scene. I never have to dissect S. and my sex life. We both turn ourselves into being sexual creatures, living in the moment without barriers. The experience is all consuming and just as it should be. Do I lay awake at night and try to think of ways to make that better? I don’t. I can trust my body to make it’s feelings known within that moment. So what do I think about when I am alone? I think about the state of this planet and consider its place in the universe. I think of unicorns and wonder if they poop glitter. I think about the poor of the world and wonder if I can help even just one. I can see kangaroos bounding across the red sand earth of the outback. I think about war and how many lives have to be sacrificed to feed that particular beast.
My mind is a complicated place of sanity, insanity and a mental playground. There is knowledge of other people in there but the space is my own. There is no room for other people’s beasts. In there I am alone.