This post was suggested by Nero Black after reading my TMI post about the long and winding road that is my relationship with my Darling S. so here goes. ~ taking a deep breath ~
I guess this starts when I was grieving for my lost Master, Steven. It had been a difficult and abusive relationship but it was all I knew. After over two years of grieving I decided to reach out and open myself up to the possibility of another BDSM relationship because I knew I would never thrive with a vanilla one. Steven and I had belonged to a social circle but I didn’t want to be back in with that lot.
I had to be very careful how I went with this because I had a small daughter and she was my first thought in all things.
So I went looking this perfect man or married couple being that I am bisexual. I logged into a chat room and S. was the first man that spoke to me. He listened to me talk about my kinky desires and he told me he was married. My heart sank. They also had kids. Then he said my wife is bisexual too and she would love to have another lady. She was a switch and her submission would be S’s submissive and I would be submissive to both.
I expected him to want cybersex that night but he didn’t. He wanted to talk to his wife first.
I also found him to be very intelligent, interesting, and sincere. He had me hooked from that first chat.
I then spoke to his wife the next day. I couldn’t believe how amazing she was. We just spoke for ages and I liked her very much. We talked for ages. Over a month before we got onto the needs I had and what they wanted. I must say here S. wasn’t a Dom or a Master he was an alpha male with leanings to being a Dominant.
Over time we sorted out a few ways this could go and it seemed doable. The kids could live together and grow together. I could live there like a friend from a far away place. They were all young and would never guess what was going on. Or I could live in my own home and we could work with that too. Sounds so happy doesn’t it.
There was one problem, F. passed suddenly as the result of a massive heart attack. Everything went to shit. These were the dark days. S. tumbled into a massive low, grieving for his beloved wife. The kids were lost with their own grief. S. began to drink heavily and also got really close, like sexually close with an old friend of F’s. It broke my heart but I didn’t stop talking to him. We talked every day and he was drunk every day. The person he was having sex with was like a bomb of craziness because L. was a toxic woman.
I stayed as long as I could. S. believed he didn’t deserve me. I stayed on line with him because I thought, maybe with time, we could work it out. We couldn’t. So I left him. Leaving him to sort himself out. I also realized the drink was making him a toxic man.
It was about a year later he got in touch with me again, but his drinking was still out of control and L. was still in his life. We talked to each other for a long while but I realized I couldn’t go on so I said I needed time to think so I said I wanted to take six months to sort this all out.
I was no fitter than S. My Bipolar was out of control and I was miserable. My daughter was sad and I took her to my dearest friend and told him I would pick her up later that day. Instead I took off and went to another state and got involved with an awful man. Jamie took great care of my daughter as I knew he would but what I didn’t expect was that he would find me and drag me home. He put me into a mental health facility and gradually I came good.
I completely turned my life around but I had scared my daughter and I made sure she understood I didn’t do it because I wanted to, I did it because I was sick. She was nervous to begin with but I told her my symptoms so she could ring Uncle Jamie if she was worried. I even had my therapist talk to her about it. She gave my daughter her private umber so she had someone else she could call who would know what to do.
Two years after I had split from S. I saw something I never thought I would. S. sent me an email. He told me that he was an alcoholic but had been sober for quite a while. He knew he had hurt me and he wanted to check I was okay. I think that was a step in the twelve steps of recovery.
He had married while still a drunk and also divorced. He now felt healthy and sort of happy. I looked at that email and thought no not again. I closed it but I didn’t trash it.
There were no more emails to follow but I couldn’t forget that damned email so I replied but the email was very frosty, in fact I was the ice queen. He quickly replied. I told him what I had been through but I knew he didn’t do this to me. It was the Bipolar and I told him that. I also told him I was so happy he stopped drinking and he had given it a name. Alcoholic. He asked me how I was and I told him I was fine and I was not going to get involved with any man ever again. My life was my daughter.
After a while I found emailing too drawn out and I suggested Skype.
~ giggling here ~
I was shocked by how much he had changed. He was sweet and thought of me. He was kind and wonderful just like he was when we first met. Even more so. I had never met this intelligent, funny as hell and wise man before. He was like a different man. And he said sorry.
I knew he still cared for me and I was falling in love with him all over again. I would tell him what I expected in a kink filled relationship and I heard myself quoting my first, abusive life. He would quietly say ‘I can’t do that to you.’ He would question why I liked it and quite honestly I didn’t know so we talked until I did. What I was looking for was a very unhealthy life. I thought I liked to be beaten until I almost past out, dark things like that. He would ask me why I liked that and I found it was because I needed to be punished and humiliated. Then when we discovered that it changed. I no longer wanted it. I no longer needed to be punished. I was expecting him to completely take over control of me so I never had to make a decision. We talked and with his help we overcame that. That was the pattern of our growth.
Then we reached the point we needed to be together. My daughter wanted to come considering S. as a father figure and Uncle Jamie and his partner came too so a lot of Australia came with me.
We have settled well. S. and I seemed to be just as we thought we were. We slipped into our kinky fuckery after hours of talking about safe words and limits and pain levels. S. has his own set of them too. Yes I know that is weird but it is a greater understanding of him.
I should explain here that S. as a diploma in psychology and he knows enough to help me understand myself. He isn’t a therapist and would never call himself one but he knows enough to show me my potential. I also saw a therapist too who was amazing too.
I am now a strong, independent, free woman that just adores submitting to my darling S. He loves that I am like that because my submission means more. I have fire in my blood and we can go primal if we wish. I no longer want to be punished or hurt so badly I can’t move for a couple of days. A little pain is fine ~ wink ~ My days are filled with light and sunshine.
And what of my daughter I hear you ask? She is a strong young woman going to college this year. She loves S. and she calls him dad. He takes care of us both but not in a way that takes away my independence. We are partners in this life. We are also equals.
I would encourage every one of you to hold onto your dreams and though life can get in the way, you can find true happiness. I would recommend you don’t just settle. You all deserve to be happy.