Prompt – Toxic Masculinity. What does it mean to you?
Toxic masculinity is a narrow and repressive description of manhood, designating manhood as defined by violence, sex, status, and aggression. It’s the cultural ideal of manliness, where strength is everything while emotions are a weakness; where sex and brutality are yardsticks by which men are measured, while supposedly “feminine” traits—which can range from emotional vulnerability to simply not being hypersexual—are the means by which your status as “man” can be taken away.
This is such a deep subject but I don’t want it to become a ‘let’s bash men’ type of post.
The thing I believe is that men get their basic make up from the lives of their family and they are really young. This is normally where they get the, real men don’t cry, if you want something you have to fight for it. If you’re hurt you hear, well there isn’t a bone poking out. Stand up straight boy.
There is more and you watch how your father is with your mother. Is he loving, curt, emotionally stunted or even violent? Violence comes as verbal or physically and even mentally. In Australia the biggest one is if a boy playing ball you are told you either throw or catch like a girl.
You’re taught drinking habits, how to act when you are drunk and it might be that the little lady of the house has to keep up the supply of drinks for you. Or she is a person that is ridiculed or a person to be brow beaten.
If his mother does everything for him instead of making him learn what real life is. They never have to make their beds or put clean clothes away.
Thankfully as the times change, we have come to know differently and can leave indelible marks on our children’s mind. We try very hard not to display things like that. There is one exception to that and that is violence. This seems to continue to shape men’s life.
If you bring in the BDSM relationships it can be erroneously considered that these beliefs are fine. Master or Dominant seem to lose their moral compass and bring their toxic personality types to bear. Big mistake. That is just abuse and cruelty. If you are caught in a relationship like that , find help and get out.
Again I am prompted to speak about my first Master and I hate to be repetitive. I was eighteen when we became lovers and he was sixty years old. Yes I know that is shocking but he was the man that I lived with while I was recovering from the rape. I was very hurt physically and my head was not on straight.
He treated me like a father should. I knew he dated and they were generally much younger than he. I had no idea about his sexual peccadillos but he had a room that was kept locked even when I knew he was in there. These women adored him.
Around the time my feelings for him changed I began to flirt. He just laughed and told me to stop. He said I was too young to understand what I was doing which was wrong, I knew I was flirting. I asked over and over to date him and he laughed at me and told me I couldn’t handle it. That just made me try more deliberate actions.
There were some pretty ingrained things in him. He was affluent, strong in his beliefs, pretty deep into something I didn’t know about. He also had a very strong streak of a sense of entitlement.
He was a criminal lawyer with pretty rigid habits. I managed to talk him into letting me become his girlfriend, and yes now I can laugh at that title.
At first he was gentle but after I signed a contract it began to change. To begin with he taught me the pleasures of my body. He had a lot to get over because of what had happened to me. He never rushed me. Oh how I loved him. He was like a god to me.
I won’t drag up all the harsh parts but I know there are still Masters and Doms like him. He could not see he was doing me harm but he was.
Apart from that I waited on him hand foot and finger. I thought it was how things like this happened to all slaves. Safe Word??? You don’t need a safe word. Limits??? I take good care of you and I bring you pleasure so why do you need limits? Pain Levels??? I haven’t hurt you so far…
I retreated into my head and he didn’t notice. As long as I did as I was told I was fine. Now he was not a monster, just set in his kinky ways. I am also not saying it was all cruel but things happened I am not proud I agreed to. He shared me which I hated because a man that was using me didn’t treat me so well. He would also show me during sex acts in a room, while other people were around. I was, and still am, shy.
I did things for the ‘Good girl’ comment. I worked hard to get that too. I knew for that shining moment I had done something right.
If I screwed up he had the cruellest of punishments. I was made to sleep on the floor and for a girl that, at that time, who had horrendous nightmares most nights was abhorrent. If there was no warm body beside me I felt alone and scared to go to sleep.
So you can now see the toxicity of him.
I got out of it when he died and I grieved so much for him. It is only with the help of my now Dom, my darling S. I have discovered just how bad it was. I have also recovered. My nightmares only happen once in a while. I have done masses of therapy and it was worth every bit of it. I walk tall, I am free and independent. I offer my submission to my darling S. and he treats me wonderfully.
I have all the wonderful things like safe words and gestures, pain levels and hard and soft limits. It was S. that made me have them because he could not relax into his role if I never said hey that is over my levels and a safe word stops all activity. Now he knows I will use them if need be.
There is one other thing I have to say on the subject that there are so many wonderful men out there, not bound to the way they were brought up. The good ones far out weigh the bad ones. They were taught the right way to treat a woman which still applies in a BDSM relationship.They cherish what they have and take care of their partners. They would no more hurt them than fly to the moon.
Life is full of choices and people, by and large, make the right ones. It is the bad ones you hear the most about.
I normally take a few moments every day to thank my lucky stars I have my darling S. That way I never take him for granted.