This weeks prompt on a new site for me is Self Harm.
I was reluctant to actually do this as I didn’t feel like it belonged in a sex blog but then I read a wonderful piece on another blog and it changed my mind. Please take the time to read that post here https://submissy.com/2019/03/06/self-harm/?sn=c&c=8222#comment-8222
Cutting is an addiction, just as bad as alcoholism is. I am a self harmer but I can say I am a recovering one because I don’t think you ever truly get over it, as the same emotional things that took you to that place might reoccur.
The last time I cut, I cut too deeply and required stitches. Now cutting is a thing cutters do their best to hide. That last time my daughter saw the wound and I wanted to curl up and die. She is almost 20 years of age and to her credit she offered to listen if I needed to talk.
I used to get drawn into a space where I felt I was completely out of control. Cutting gave me something I could control. I would feel numb and cutting brought me back to reality and for some reason the sight of blood satisfied me in some strange way. I could feel the pain but it was in no way part of the masochist in me. This was strictly my private place.
Having saying that, because I was in a bad relationship when I was young there were things that happened to me that could be seen as self harm. That is where it was born. After suffering a rape at 14 years and then being in a bad relationship at 18 years, my head was all over the place.
I started cutting in my early 20’s. I had a cutting kit with blades, swabs and antiseptic. I found a great place to hide it. It was all secret until the scars showed. You can only fall in a rose bush so many times.
Then my Master died and I was left with a small daughter to bring up alone. Cutting happened a lot. It was like being on an old fashioned merry go round. I was on a horse that went round and round and up and down just like my moods.
Then I met my partner. I am now in a healthy relationship built on love. No longer was I abused. I was helped by my partner and by a mental health professional. I found the root of the need to cut in my mental make up. With my partner’s help we worked through it. I am a changed woman now and I threw away my cutting kit years ago but I still have a healthy grip on it so I don’t spiral out of control again.
I have Bipolar but have found my middle ground. It is safe to say that might not remain the same but again, my partner and I know if things are getting out of hand and what to do about it.
I found it really difficult to open up about my cutting. However, I did do it because I knew I was out of control and needed help. I would say to anyone else reading this to do the same. Find someone you can talk to but a medical professional is much better equipped to help you deal with this.
Yes my scars are fading but they are still there and completely obvious as to what they are. I have grown in strength now and if anyone asks why I have them I will explain if they are old enough to understand.
My cutting wasn’t something I wanted in my masochistic tendencies and is now never in any scene we enter into because my partner will not do anything that scars me. It was and always will be a rather poor coping tool that never works. Yes you might get high on the adrenalin as you do it, but it always fades quickly.
Right now I am feeling wonderful. I feel like I am listened to and have my darling to talk to. I have a completely healthy BDSM life that is built on love. We all grow and become better at this thing called life. Moving past the need to cut is difficult but it can be done. I wish you all loving wishes and to let you know you are never truly on your own.
ALWAYS SEEK A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL WHEN THINGS SEEM OUT OF CONTROL. EVEN THOUGH THIS IS NOT A SUICIDAL ACT YOU CAN NEVER REALLY CROSS THAT OUT. I HAVE NEVER FELT LIKE COMMINTTING SUICIDE WHEN I DO IT BUT THERE HAVE BEEN TIMES I HAVE FELT SUICIDAL.