There are many things I have lost since being with my darling S. and in this BDSM lifestyle we share.

I have lost the panic when I have a choice to make. It was getting so bad before he wandered into my life. I was so insecure I allowed someone else to make my choices for me. It was my best friend Jamie who had made a promise to my dying husband that he would look after me. He made all of the financial decisions and made a budget for me. He made sure I was on track. I would go see my accountant with Jamie and it was if he was speaking Swahili.

Now with S. we do the money together and I take on board his ideas. I am quite happy for him to take charge but we still do it together so I know where everything is going. I trust S. though and would happily leave it all up to him but he wants me involved.

Jamie also helped with my daughter and she loves her Uncle Jamie. Now, however she has a new dad and she loves him as her real father. She can talk to him about anything and S. also is someone I can talk about raising her and yes I still have sway with her even thought she is nineteen. However, her Uncle Jamie is still very important to her.

My relationship with my daughter has lost it’s fire because S. taught me a better ways to handle it.

Now for what I have lost in my concept of BDSM. I entered this relationship with S. with ideas of being a total slave with no choices to make, no ability to refuse any treatment because that was all I knew. I had a problem that when my emotional mind went into the realms of despair I would require a flogging with no mercy shown. For a long while S. told me he would not be able to do that to me. However after we spoke about safe words and pain levels he said he would try to do it. The thing is, as I have grown I have realized I no longer need to be beaten severely. I’d lost the need for that.

I used to be in a relationship where huge amounts of humiliation were used on me. Even though I didn’t like it I allowed it to go one because I honestly thought I had sold my soul to the devil. and there was no fight left in me. With my beloved S. yes there are mild forms of humiliation, dirty talking, binding me in different position, making me crawl just easy things that I enjoy but he would never go too far with that. I have lost he fear of that going too far.

I was shared around in my first relationship and I hated it. I told S. my dislike about that and he has assured me he would never do that unless I wanted to do it. I have lost my fear over that too.

I trust S. so much I am able to completely give myself over in our love making because I know he would never hurt me above the levels I enjoy. I it s TPE (Total power exchange) that I can get lost in. I lost the need to hold back, no hesitation just going with the flow.

Rope Work

I have what is called a body fear because at 14 years my body was badly injured and as I have gotten older it has let me down more often now. I don’t bend in the same way as I used to. In my earlier years in the lifestyle I would be bound without thought of my pain. Now the way my body does bend is something S. takes in consideration and when he binds me he is constantly watching my body. Even if I want more time he will not listen because he watches the colour of my skin under the rope and makes sure when I am suspended I am not in screaming pain. I have lost the hesitation I had about being bound.

I am not saying this relationship is perfect. We argue, we get moody and are just like many other couples in a great relationship. I can dig my heels in and even throw a tantrum. We get tired, we have medical problems to over come. I have Bipolar which can make life interesting (I’m on level ground at the moment but that can change.)

What I can say is we are perfect for each other. I can also say we are not having kinky fuckery every day. We get tired, we get frustrated, we can get fed up.

What makes this so great is we can talk about anything and sort through crap. We can also listen. No matter what we are doing I am aware of S. as my dominant but he doesn’t wear that badge just to get his way. He respects me as I respect him. I think that is the best part of us. Respect, Trust and Communication.

My hope is that you all find a partner that you too can enjoy.

kitten

4 Comments on “Things I’ve lost in BDSM

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