When I was young, I used to feel the need for constant approval. I believe it was because I had such a terrible home life. I used to do a chore with all the excellence I could muster, hoping for a positive comment, a hug, even a smile. There was nothing forthcoming.
In my M/s life, in the very beginning of my BDSM journey I kept looking for those rewards but, because they came from an emotional place, I never saw them. My Master was a man that showed very few emotions. An occasional ‘good girl’ was softly spoken had me trying even harder to please my Master. You should watch for signs of that in your relationships. Simply do it because you love them.
All through my life thus far I had growing insecurities that pounded at me. If anything, the need for approval fed them.
Then I met my darling S.
In the beginning I sought approval and he gave me that. It was strange to me, totally alien. The first time I looked at the computer with my mouth open. Sometimes he would give me approval without being asked. Without me knowing, approval turned into compliments and I had no idea how to take them. He would say ‘You are beautiful’ and I would say, ‘Naw, I am just me, nothing special.’
Compliments made me blush: they still do. I have to say I am guilty of wondering what did he want when he complimented me. Thankfully that has gone now.
One day S. sat me down and said ‘Ok I am putting my footdown. When I give you a compliment you have to say “Thank you, nothing more.” I was shocked and quickly started doing that because he really meant it. He wasn’t cross with me but he wanted how I handled compliments to be more positive.
He also told me something else that at first did not sink in. He learned it whilst going through his battle with alcohol addiction. “Other people’s opinion of you is none of your business.”
At first glance that seemed like a silly quote but as I looked deeper into it, it sort of exploded in my mind. I mean you can’t change that opinion so why bother trying? I mean I can do something nice for S. he will love on me because he is happy. I get the wonderful ‘Thank you’ and even the adored, ‘Good girl.’ I didn’t do those things to gain approval I did them because I love him.
Now we come to this blog. Why do I do it? I do it to show others how being in this lifestyle is not about anything special in me. I do it to show how ordinary I am. I am not a two headed freak or mentally unstable. I’m just an ordinary lady that just happens to love BDSM. I offer opinions about safety because that is more important to people when they are just starting on their own journey. I also use this as a journal, a personal account of my life for my own enjoyment. Do I seek approval? No, not any more. When I am about to write a post, I usually ask S. about the concept and does he think other people will enjoy reading it. He normally does or I will wait until he has read it and I do ask did I cover the subject well. I know if I miss a point, he will add a well written comment which I love.
It is quite difficult to look into yourself and question why you do something. I love blogging. Pure and simple. I also love to write. I love BDSM. I also love to cook but not enough to run a blog on, -littlechuckle-. Besides I never read recipes so I don’t know how much of each ingredient I use. I do a splodge of this, a splash of that. Perhaps that is why so many views of BDSM are so different, a splodge here, a dash of that. Hey that’s not a bad way to view it all. – Big wink-
The upshot of all this is so I can say my need for approval has changed into loving compliments along the way. And yes I say ‘Thank you’.
S. and k.