When a new relationship forms or an established relationship changes we all have expectations of what we want. When that relationship concerns B.D.S.M. you will have preconceived ideas. I mean why would you want it if you didn’t have any ideas of what you find erotic.
For all you submissives out there this is how it goes… Ok spanking, that sounds nice, tick. Being tied up, tick. Being told what to do, tick. Being told how to dress, tick. Giving up all responsibilities, tick. Perhaps more extremes like being whipped, tick. Having sex outside, tick. Being slapped, humiliated, tick, tick.
For Dominants there are their own set of thoughts. Tying up a girl, tick. Having complete control over a woman, tick. Spanking a bare bottom, tick. Using handcuffs, tick. Rough sex, tick. Putting a collar on a girl, oh yes.
All of these things are the stereotypical images you think about when you picture B.D.S.M. Maybe you have read books that have turned you on. Books don’t tell you about what happens before the sex even begins. If they mention a contract you can bet it is about what is expected of a submissive. No limits, no safe words, no researched pain levels. That isn’t written about because it isn’t considered sexy. The expectation is for the Dominant to take complete control of every aspect of the submissive’s life.
I hate to burst your bubble but starting a relationship like that is just not true or safe.
Look around you, do you really want your every thought to be linked to that of your Dominant. Do you need him to control when you pee, when you shower or when you speak? That is what total control is about. Some submissives do like that and that is fine for them but I am not one of them. I am way too head strong for that. Oh and yes I am submissive.
Dreams of kink do not make a good base for a relationship but knowledge does. Learn all you can and I can tell you I am still learning even after thirteen years with my beloved S. Don’t be afraid if your relationship ebbs and flows, every relationship does, even Vanilla ones do. Everyone can feel overwhelmed, I know I do at times. Everyone worries and anyone can become depressed but I feel if you do go through this you manage to come back stronger. There will be times of ‘I can’t do this, it might hurt my partner.’ The only cure is communication.
If you want to start a B.D.S.M. relationship, READ. Not erotic books read blogs that offer great information. There are a lot on my list of Blogs I Follow. You will find lots of erotica among their pages but they also contain some of the best information about this subject. I have written some myself.
S. and kitten.