TRIGGER WARNING – SELF-HARM
I have spoken about S. not being my first BDSM lover and I have also spoken about my first Master. However, I have not really mentioned much about how S. and I met and what happened between us. We met in a chatroom and I think it was one for younger women wanting to find older men. S. had no idea what chatroom he was in. My first Master was much older than I but I like the steadiness of an older man. The first time in that room S. P.M’d me. When he told me his age he wasn’t as old as I was looking for but he was intelligent and we spoke for a long time. I was expecting to indulge in cyber sex but S. wasn’t. You see S. was married and his wife was bi-sexual. They liked the idea of having a second lady in their dynamic and it was an exciting prospect for me. S. won me over by saying there could be nothing between us of a sexual nature until he spoke to her. WOW! I was hooked from that moment. I wasn’t thinking it would all be hunky dory and it was set, I was just so happy he had said he wanted to talk to his wife. His wife, it turned out, was a switch and we got on great. We were making plans to meet even though they were on the other side of the world.
Nature is cruel at times and just as we all were getting on great on line, his wife died suddenly.
The nature of grief has to run itself out and I tried my best to help S. get through the pain but at times it tore me apart seeing him suffer. He made questionable choices and it became impossible when he took another lover. I could not help him and our relationship became toxic. There was a problem with alcohol too so we decided that it would be best for us to not be together.
There was a break of 2 years but then he sent me an email from out of the blue. My heart soared because I loved that man so very much. We began talking again, we talked for hours. There was a problem because there were not many changes in his life. We still spoke for years but it once more became impossible. This time when I stopped talking to him I made up my mind it was the end of us.
After two more years I got an email. It took ages for me to open it. I had got myself into the place where I swore I didn’t want to be involved with a man ever again. I had friends and a daughter. I didn’t need a man.
In the end I opened the email and right then I learned S. had sorted himself out. He was in AA and was not drinking any more. He had sorted out his need for destructive, damaged women. He knew that he had hurt me and he wanted to know if I was okay and happy.
I realized a lot when I got that email. Not everything that happened between us was bad but some of my choices were damaging to the relationship too. I didn’t realize that I had actually been looking for a slave relationship with a Master that would assume all control over me. Crazy hey? I wanted no responsibility. I wanted to just obey. Believe me that is no cake walk and can become very dangerous emotionally.
S. had never wanted that. He wanted an equal partner, one that made her own choices. I had to learn to do that and my lessons started as soon as I replied to that second email.
It was an icy reply, still protesting I was fine, which was a lie. He told me there were no women in his life and there hadn’t for a while. He had spent several weeks in hospital for pancreatitis and he was living a slower more controlled life. We exchanged some emails then I knew I loved this man deeply and I suggested skype. I tried to hold back how I was feeling but believe me, with this man I could not hold back for long so we decided the only way forward was to move on together. We have not looked back.
When I answered that email, I was terrified. Emotionally I was a wreck and S. just held my hand and walked along side me as I went through it. I was self-harming, I am not now. I was having life changing nightmares that kept me in my fear place. I went for counselling. I even went away on my own for a week of therapy and he was there for me waiting patiently. He did this for me as I had tried to do for him.
I am a much stronger person now because of S. I am a free independent woman and not much terrifies me now. I mean being in a seething mosh pit terrifies me but I am tiny and people don’t take that into consideration. I was afraid of coming to America I mean they drive on the wrong side of the road. I was afraid of being lost and I have GPS.
S. is my emotional GPS.
He was not disgusted by my cutting, but he would dress the wounds and hold me. I really don’t want to do that anymore. He knows the signs of my Bi Polar if I shift. I have told him to put me in hospital if a couple of things happen and he said he would. If I have a nightmare he pulls me close and talks softly to me. I haven’t done it for a while but sometimes the nightmares are so bad I fight and I have socked my poor daughter when she tried to wake me. S. has learned to duck in his sleep so he tells me.
My life now is amazing. It is filled with love and laughter and mind-blowing sex. It also includes whips and chains and rope… oh my.
I can honestly say the journey here was difficult but so worth all the work. I thank God for my beloved S.
So, this is how my journey went. It never runs in a straight road, there are sometimes detours but if it is meant to be it will be.