I have spoken about this subject often and it is very important to S. and myself. Recently though we were going through a bit of a rough time. There was distance between us and we were floundering. Neither of us understood why. Sex was great, we still laughed but there was this gnawing inside us both. I was trying hard to reach him and he was in a bad space too. There was so much love so what was going wrong?
I am not sure who suggested an answer, I think it was S. We decided to sit and just talk and a talk that is important not just like small talk. It is called small talk for a reason. This was a lay all your cards on the table no matter if it is painful or shameful or even scary. It was a Meta talk.
For far too long when S. asked how I was I would say I am fine but I meant F.I.N.E, fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional. That was laid carefully on the table, beside I was scared I was losing him. He has been so withdrawn and it was killing me. Hence not much writing on the blog. If I don’t feel close to my darling S. my imagination tends to concentrate on the reasons for it and not in writing.
I looked at my darling man and he then put his problem on the table. He said that he felt he was losing his domliness. That completely shocked me. Suddenly my problems seemed small compared to his. This was a shock to me. I asked him why and it was the smallest of things that had started eating at him. I had said no to him a few times and he had not challenged me on that. They were small no’s to me but to him they were obviously BIG things. I never offered an explanation, I just said ‘No’. He knew at the time he should have challenged me but he didn’t. That is where the feelings of losing his domliness began.
I apologized profusely and then offered him a way to overcome that situation. Simply say, ‘What did you just say to me?’ That would get him a reason but I will also never just say no to him I will explain why.
I then explained how I felt as though he was withdrawn from me and it scared me. First I need to explain a little about S. Since he was 13 years old he has suffered with bad digestion, but it had become intolerable so he went to see a specialist and he had a slew of tests done. They were big tests and he was checking for cancer too because his father had died of it. Everything was tested and all they found was a small problem of his stomach not emptying as quickly as it should. That is what is causing the pain. He is now at the point where he is in discomfort during everyday, especially if he eats…. anything. It isn’t a stabbing pain most of the time, just discomfort but if you have that everyday most of the day, it can make you miserable. I come up with all these things we can try but he wasn’t open to them because well he is a grown assed man and he has looked after himself up until now and yada, yada, yada. I quietly said but now you don’t have to do it alone. That reached him. I pointed out, even though he knew this, but constant discomfort and pain wears you down until all you feel is pain and you get depressed. We are talking about a man that endured a migraine for 3 years. They did all the tests and then they gave him Botox injections in his face and neck and that helped him massively. (Not fun being stabbed nearly fifty times in your neck and forehead)
We did the hard part. We stopped the rot and talked openly. If you don’t, these things turn to resentments and destroys your relationship. It is important when you talk that you don’t say, YOU do this, YOU do that. That becomes an attack on the other person. I simply said I feel like you are pulling back from me. I told him how I felt. An attack simply makes them want to defend and then say something like well you make me feel this way. If you say I feel and I am scared of…. you fill in the blanks. Always remember you love this person deeply and go from there. Also if you never speak of a problem quickly it could keep happening. None of this is about sex, this is about the bones and muscles of a relationship.
I am grinning when I say this…. never start with the words ‘We need to talk.’ because he/she will head for the hills emotionally and the talk is over.
Anyway he now listens to me and accepts my taking care of him as my way of loving him. I endeavour to not say one word answers and after the Meta Talk we didn’t just finish and go back to what we were doing. We laughed together, we played and we cracked jokes. That is what we consider important too.
The thing is we both know the importance of good communication yet we had gotten into a really murky place and I was scared. Thankfully S. said something that led us to a healing space. No one is immune to this. Even us, experienced life stylers, get into trouble at times.
I hope this helps anyone having problems right now.
S. and K.