I read a really interesting blog post about the lifestyle but, one thing really leapt out at me. They tried to say vanilla sex was a product of love and BDSM was a product of need. It really just would not fit comfortably in my head.

I can agree that lots of things in BDSM can become a need. A need for spanking, for pain, for intense impact play. Or perhaps a need to be bound. A bottom can also have a need for vanilla sex, a need to be kissed and stroked with no submission.

I can honestly say that every time S. smacks me he does it with love. Firstly he knows I enjoy it, then he knows my limits, my levels of pain and he stays strictly within them. He enjoys it that’s true, however his desire never over-rides my levels.

Every time his hand curls around a whip to flog me I know he has practiced so that he never hurts me. I also know if I didn’t like it, even if he did, (which he does), we would never ever do it. He loves me very much.

So is there room for love in BDSM? I think it is essential for any relationship to have love. There is more time spent in every day things than in scenes and our life is filled with love. It never changes as soon as we hit the bedroom or playroom.

My submission comes from a place of love not need. I also know that love is very important to S. I can understand being ‘needy’ and I am often called ‘a needy little slut’ which is fine with me.

I love that he pet’s me often and his hands are a massive giver of great love. A simple stroke of my arm makes me shiver. He loves to brush my hair and we will begin that again once it is longer. He washes me when we share a shower or a bath. All acts of love to me.

I am just as tactile. His body is my wonderland. I’m always concerned that my constant touching him will drive him nuts but he hasn’t got sick of it yet. In fact he seems to enjoy it.

When I was alone I had a need to find someone that enjoyed the realms of BDSM my counterpoint if you like. I found S. and a special bond connected us also love grew. Because of that love I feel complete. I was never one for going to events just to get a dose of BDSM. I was also not into just getting laid by someone into vanilla sex. That to me is so unfair to any partners because I could not live a vanilla life. Does that make it simply a need? Not to me. I wanted the whole kit and caboodle.

Taking the lifestyle and simply saying it is a need to me seems to lessen it somehow. The power of it comes with love for me. This is just my belief. What about you? If you think  your ideas are different to mine. I would love to know what you think.


S. and K.


4 Comments on “Love and need

  1. I think for some people it is just a need and love really has nothing to do with it. It just depends on what you want I suppose.

    If ever I was to find myself without the Bear I would not look for another love relationship. I know for certain that *if* I was to continue to engage in BDSM (which serves many purposes for me) it would be to fill a need and not to find a connection on a deeper level.

    This is all a hypothesis of course because I do have a loving relationship which started long before BDSM came into the picture, but I know me. Without the Bear I would likely be content to live in my head, away from anyone, so a love relationship would certainly never happen again. I guess my BDSM days would be over ….

    Sorry for the long winded reply! LoL This is something I have touched on myself so I found it hard to resist a comment! *wink*


    • I think I can see what you mean. I would never try to find another ‘The One’ if S. and I were no longer. I believe I have been spoiled with S. and we have everything we need and desire. In that, I am very, very lucky.
      …and nijntje, you could fill the whole page. It is just nice to hear from you. Your comments are always insightful.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you, Kitten, I enjoy your posts and I always like seeing your view. You have experience in areas I can only assume about. I love having such a reasonable source of information to go to. It’s refreshing, truly!


  2. (I know I’m way late to the party but…)

    I read the title, and went, “Um, no.” I agree with you 100%. BDSM and vanilla sex can be without love, but it can be with love, too. I don’t think BDSM changes that at all!


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