I don’t think I have ever read a blog post about resolving issues within the lifestyle. I am concerned that some submissives might not speak up because they feel they do not have the power to stand up for themselves or their rights.
Something happened between S and myself and I got upset. It wasn’t earth shattering or incredibly bad but it left me with some feelings I couldn’t resolve myself. We spoke quietly about it. No pointing a figure and I was open to his thoughts. S. apologized and I forgave him. I thought that was it. I was wrong.
What I didn’t take into consideration is my head isn’t in the best of shape and little things become big things. Fast forward a few days, I was very quiet and withdrawn and S. noticed. Very gently he sat me down and we talked. No yelling, no pointing a finger. He has a way to get me to talk about how I am feeling. I talk and talk around what I am feeling but he let’s me do that. He asked what I could do to feel better and I found two things or rather two special places I like to go when my emotions are out of whack. They are just beyond my physical abilities at the moment.
S. then said ‘You have just told me two things you can’t do, please tell me what is going on.’
I thought about it and I was squirming and really not wanting to do this but then I knew if I didn’t it would just get worse. I took a deep breath and brought up the thing that had happened and I said I accepted your apology and forgave you but I still don’t understand why I feel this way.
There it was, out there again. I held my breath and counted the seconds before he answered. I rushed to tell him I did forgive him and that wasn’t a lie but I didn’t understand WHY it happened.
S. then said it’s my time to talk now, so I shut up and just listened. He then considered what had happened and he understood how it happened. When he spoke he spoke softly and explained fully. It was a revelation to him as well as me. Suddenly I felt better and so did S.
It would have been so easy to yell and fight but we don’t like doing that. We talked in soft voices and we didn’t point fingers. However when you get angry you lose the power in problem solving. Words spoken in anger can never be retracted.
I am saying this because even as a slave you have a right to tackle problems that make you unhappy. Feelings swallowed down never stay there. If your Master/Dominant or Domme don’t understand what you need, ask for a Meta Talk.
A Meta Talk is where you step out of your roles in the lifestyle and talk as equals. Try not to ask when your Top is tired or ask the first moment they walk into home. Choose your moment. Speak calmly and softly. Try to not be confrontational and point the finger emotionally. Girls please don’t cry. Men hate it when you cry. Sometimes they feel it is emotional blackmail. I find it hard to not cry but I try my best.
Everything is fine with S. and I and it was a small thing that happened but there were a lot of emotions under it. I knew if I said nothing it ran the chance of seething inside me. That is very destructive. So to all you subs out there don’t be afraid to speak up.
To all you tops, please listen to your sub because it does take a lot of courage to speak up. Please never punish your partner for speaking up. You both need to listen to each other.
This is a very positive thing to do for your relationship so good luck.
However there are rules to this…
- Never start the conversation with ‘We need to talk.’ Partners hate those words.
- Never make it a you argument like you did this and you did that. Try to keep it an I talk… like I feel like this about something. A you discussion makes your partner become very defensive and that is not a good place to start with.
- If you get angry please ask the person to hang on for a moment and just walk away for a moment and then come back when you are calm again. Get a coffee or a tea then you can get back and keep talking.
Well that is about all of it. I hope this helps.
S. and K.