Journal Entry/Information

I read a post the other day about sexuality and it was about polyamory. It was so well written and it got me thinking about my own sexuality. My journey through the blog has been an illuminating one. It has stimulated so many questions in my mind and has even begun to give me answers. I bring up each question and talk with S. to get his take on it. He listens and then encourages me to find answers. This has been a journey of two years and he can’t believe how much I have grown.

I used to have a narrow view of this lifestyle and I had all these beliefs that pointed to me being the perfect submissive. Yes, there I said it! Now I know there is no such a thing. I strove for a perfection that came at the expense of my own wants, needs and desires. All that mattered was my S. and his wants, needs and desires.

The thing is, I never considered was that he didn’t want that. That sort of shook me to my bones. How could I be more perfect? What did S. want?

Now, so much has changed. I have been dragged out into the light and have thrown off the shackles of trying to be perfect at anything. (I placed the darkness and I threw off the shackles)

The things I am certain of is I love handing total control of myself to S. I am comfortable doing this as I trust him completely. I won’t say I don’t have a safe word I won’t say I don’t have limits, I have both. I will say I never have to use them during a complete power exchange scene with S. This only comes with time and communication. So this part of our relationship is just as it should be.

Now, we are coming to the less certain aspects of my sexuality. I know I am bisexual and I have enjoyed a few women. I find it difficult to become sexual with someone unless I know them well and preferably have feelings for her. It is so different making love with a woman. It is soft, normally gentle and is a beautiful assault of the senses. I adore licking and fingering her until she orgasms. I don’t care if I orgasm I want to just worship her. Now comes the questions, do I want a woman to dominate me? Some Dommes can be quite cruel but most are wonderful. Do I want to watch S. fuck another woman well that is easy I would love to watch him having his pleasure in a way I have not seen before, but I would also like to be involved in some situations. It then becomes murkier…I don’t know if I could watch him leave to go have fun with her and wait for him to come home. That would be a whole lot different. I still don’t know the answer. I never want to look at S. through the eyes of jealousy. That emotion is very destructive.

I have been vehement against having another male lover. As I am opening up all strong denials and just leaving them open I am not saying I want it I am simply saying I will not say ‘no’ out of hand.

Then there is this whole Switch thing. Where did this come from? Where is it going? Where do I draw lines between my submissive nature and this? I know of a scene I want to try when I am more comfortable with it. I want S. to let me manacle him up on a post and I want to put a blindfold on him. Then I want to drive him crazy until he is desperate for me. Then I will let him go. The outcome could be deliciously wicked. However I can’t see him being very submissive and that is not how I want him. Something about having a Dominant man semi helpless and then letting him go to get his own back is very exciting to me.

I have been reading dayliacatt’s blog, Fetcetera and her vacation at a nudist resort has sparked an interest in me. I have found her explanations of her new and burgeoning adventures into polyamory exciting but right now I think that is far too complex for me to comprehend.

Who knew the whole gambit of Predator/Prey thing would be so electrifying? It is amazing and has a tinge of danger which I enjoy. (BTW danger is a long way from fear. Just ask my adrenaline junkie S.)

S. has his own exploration to make and we are going to have delicious times between us. I expect you are wondering where this is leading. Well I don’t know. I have noticed that some people are in their wonderful relationships. I have also seen questions asking does this ever calm down or become less intense?

I can say that after 12 years approximately with S. I can honestly say it is always exciting. Of course we have off times, we may go a while between scenes, we get tired, headaches and sick. We get caught up in other things. We are very normal like that.

Don’t be afraid if something new crops up. Have courage and talk with your partner. The worse they can say is no. Not every Dom enjoys a switch. Not every one will allow themselves to be tied up. However what you want to try might excite your partner just as much as it does you and you talk you may get the chance to try it.

I am very lucky to have my S. because he considers everything I ask and is normally open to trying it. If he doesn’t enjoy it or if I don’t, we don’t do it again. Some fantasies are better left as fantasies.

Somethings that are left in my head need a certain amount of courage to talk about, so I leave them until the time is right. You don’t have to blurt them all at once. I do tend to mull things over… for ages… just ask S. ~ evil chuckle ~

 

S. and K.

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n.b. My darling S. is home from his son’s place. Mother and baby are doing fine. So is Daddy (son). S. is walking around proud as a peacock of his new role in life. I am so happy I am fit to bust too. This new little life is amazing and she looks perfect but like a little doll.

 

 

 

 

 

7 Comments on “Sexuality

  1. There is so much to consider. Love reading your thoughts on all of this.

    Like

  2. Pingback: ‘Friend number’ and Poly – nijntje & The Bear

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