Journal Entry, Information.
Expectations can be a killer of relationships. The pressure of expectations can cause genuine stress and pressure on both a Top and a bottom. With a submissive, a Dom with very high expectations places a huge weight on their partners. Your partner will forgo their own desires simply to try and meet all of yours. The Top needs to know they are normal fallible human beings. If you add punishment to the mix, if they can’t meet your high expectations, you will end up with a miserable partner. Been there done that and I was desperately unhappy. The problem with that time of my life I was owned and had no idea how to extricate myself from it.
This is not true of my current relationship. S. doesn’t micro manage my day. He doesn’t give me a list of things to do regarding the house work because he knows it will get done. If he does ask me to do something it is normally something sexual for a scene, like edging. They are expectations I adore. If I am unable to fulfil those expectations he will know there is a damned good reason for it.
There are expectations if I am ill, and if I don’t meet them, I will be told off right royally if I do not do them. His expectations of me are to rest, do everything I have been told by the doctor, and to take care of myself. There are expectations for me to look after my diabetes. I can’t or don’t argue with those. They are on my list of rules and yes we do have a list of rules. All of our play stops if either of us are ill. The one that isn’t sick becomes the carer. S. was ill recently and he fails badly at this bit. He is not used to having someone that wants to take care of him. I am working on it and he is getting better. Not all expectations are bad as you can see.
Another type of expectations are the ones we place upon ourselves. Tops, have a great deal to think of in every scene. They have to consider your limits, listen for your safe word. They have to bring you all the sexual pleasure they can within all of your limits. They care for you (or they should) and would hate to harm you in any way. That is a lot to contend with considering our kinks. Just spare a thought for that. They also have to hold down jobs, and think of ways to be romantic, bring order to not only their life but for his partner too. Sometimes we need to look for signs of them being overwhelmed and see if you can help in any way, like perhaps a massage, a romantic meal, anything along those lines. Also make a space to simply talk. Sometimes just talking about it can relieve a great deal of stress.
The expectations on a submissive can be just as bad, ones they put on themselves. Bottoms want to be good and do everything for their Tops. They want to be the best bottom they can be. They set impossibly high standards and when they fail to reach them they can have feelings of worthlessness, of not being a good enough bottom. This can lead to anxiety and even depression.
Please, to everyone out there, do yourself a favour and get rid of unrealistic expectations and just aim to do your best. Most times your best will be everything you need. Sometimes you might feel under the weather and you can’t give what you consider your best but it is the best you can do at that very point. This will help you so much and what you are doing will become a pleasure not a chore.
Now perfection. This is a word I have a problem with. I can say without an ounce of doubt, S. is not perfect. He makes mistakes, he gets tired, he thinks in a weird way. No way is he perfect but he is real. What I say is he is perfect for me. He believes the same about me. I used to knock myself out trying to achieve the label of ‘a perfect submissive.’ Now I know there is no such a creature. No matter how I struggled for perfection I fell short in other areas, mainly in my own mind. It fed into my self worth, it made me feel like a failure and useless. Now I know my worth, I know S. loves all my imperfections as I love his. If the word perfection is in your mind please make sure it is in a healthy way.
When I look at me and my body it is far from perfect but it is MY body and S. adores my body. I know S. knows I adore his body. We have fine minds and like to engaged in really interesting conversations, sometimes having heavy ‘debates’. He encourages me to think on a deeper level. Some days I can look in the mirror and not have a good view of what I see but that is more about my state of mind. It also signals I need to look at my mood.
What I say to myself is I can look at S. and think he is perfect and the same is true of him. He seems to be happy with how I look. We tend to look at other people in this light. What you need to think of is, try to be as kind to yourself as you are to others. If you have negative voices putting yourself down think about what you would say to a friend if they said something like I hate my body. Then tell yourself those same things. Become a friend to yourself. Stop tormenting yourself, please. I think everyone is a glorious creature no matter your sex or body shape. You are a unique being with no one else like you in this entire world, unless you are an identical twin but even then there are differences.
I know expectation and perfection are words we use in our lives but just understand how they can bring you down.
Believe in who you are.
S. and K.