This has nothing to do with taking your clothes off. More to do with your mind, which can fill you with fear, guilt, and lack of confidence. This is about before you take your clothes off.

If your mind does a little dance of fear when you know you are going into a scene and it is a different one. If it is with a partner you love, think about this carefully. Fear has no place in a scene. It will cripple you and mar the experience. It is a man you love who has never broken through your limits (I hope), give him your trust. If it is fear of what will happen that you don’t know how you will handle it, talk to your partner, he will be very cognizant of your body’s physical limits. However there is something that can bring excitement to the scene and that is a frisson of nervousness brought on with the type of play like Primal sex or Prey sex. It heightens your arousal.

Body issues. This is a big one, feeling shame or insecure about you body will ride right along as the scene progresses. As soon as this crops up please remember one thing. Your long term partner adores your body so trust them. At some time they had the chance to pick a slimmer or curvier partner but they picked you and never forget that. If you are in a long term relationship then they have also lived with you through all of those scars and marks or stretch marks and they cherish them. Enter every scene with your head up!

Guilt is the most insidious emotion as it serves absolutely no good. It just makes you miserable. It can bore into your brain and impact every part of your life. This one comes up a great deal in the lifestyle and often you end up measuring your BDSM lifestyle with society norms. That is your first mistake. Society’s belief of what we do is another. Please get rid of both of those things. We are normal just kinky. Kink is not bad. As long as you give your consent then it is fine. You may say things like ‘What kind of person am I because I like to be….spanked, whipped, tied down, you fill in this bit.’ Don’t feel ashamed of what you get pleasure from. Look at it this way, we are consenting adults, we care for each other, we respect limits and it is as exciting as hell. I don’t put Vanillas down because they mainly fuck missionary style.

This one is another insidious one. It could be lumped into lack of confidence but I felt it needed a section to itself. I am not good enough for my partner. You make mistakes, you break rules, you aren’t submissive enough. You are a lousy cook, your house is a mess. All of these things make me a bit angry. Often it comes from the words your Partner says but you forget he is saying it in the context of a scene, I hope. They do not believe you are less than amazing, it is just what the scene is about. Now if they are horrible about it and you are doing the best you can, if your mobility is compromised and you can’t clean the whole house in one day tell them quite loudly to ‘Fuck Off!’ Yes you heard me right. Even the best bottoms can’t do it all. Please remember that. Practice saying ‘Fuck Off!’ until you have it down pat.

I get very pissed off by Tops that deliberately tear down bottoms. Often you read things like I will train your sub and break her for you. How dare they? My S. has taken years to help me find my strength and he would never try to put me down. Sure he calls me a dirty ‘needy slut’ in a scene. He has called me worse but never out of a scene. Hell I have called myself those terms. I have very limited energy at the moment but I never say I am not good enough. I am recovering my health. I try to do something small each day and that’s it. It is really funny I find more energy for sex ~wicked chuckle~.

Get rid of all of these things and any other negative feelings, not to just improve your sex life but to feel better all the time. You don’t need them any more. You will be amazed how much lighter you will feel.

If you do this before a scene you will enjoy yourself much more. If you apply it to your life it will be so much happier.

Remember you are amazing and beautiful and you will see that reflected in your partners eyes.


S. and K.



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