Sometimes couples reach an impasse in their relationship and it can cause friction. I can only describe how S. and I deal with them so if you can gain anything from this I hope it helps you if you have this crop in your own relationship. It doesn’t always have to about sex either but in your real life and all that encompasses.
S. and I, while being in a D/s dynamic, with me being the bottom, sometimes reach an impasse and as S. will attest I am stubborn. I can dig my heels in and at that point there is no talking to me. So we both try to stay away from that.
Not that long ago S. started making whips. His first was a short whip which I thought was really cool and I found it hard to wait for. I hovered around him, watching him plait the strands together. Finally it was finished. The first thing S. did was to try it on himself and as I have mentioned it kind of went a little awry and hit his sexy bits * chuckling *.
I love the short whip and it is heavy enough to strike me well.
Next S. started a longer one and I was a little more hesitant when I saw it. It was taking the form of a bull whip. When I finally heard those words uttered I sort of freaked out. I have been cut open and I still wear the scars on my back from a bull whip. I backed away and said ‘I can’t have you use that on me, it’s a hard limit‘.
S. got a sad look on his face and I know I had disappointed him. He was making this amazing whip only to find I will not let him use it on me. He said, ‘You know I will never hurt you.’
Well there was some toing and froing and in the end I used my safe word. This is the one time I used it with S. That pulled him up and we were left staring at each other without speaking. I was close to tears and he was just lost. Then he apologized to me and said he would never force me to try anything on my hard limits list. We had reached an impasse.
Then he asked me ‘Are you sure it was a bull whip and not an Australian Stock whip?’
I was puzzled and I didn’t know the answer. We looked at both whips and sure enough the bull whip and stock whip are different A stock whip is what is used for men in a show of whip cracking. They are longer and the one used on me had knots on the very end of the fall. The fall is the bit that goes between the plaited bit and the cracker. The cracker is the bit that really makes the cracking sound.
I felt better knowing that and then S. said, ‘how about we move this to your soft limits and you tell me when you are ready to experiment?’
I could not have asked for a better outcome and agreed. Now it is a soft limit and our impasse has gone. However I got somewhat of a chastise. S. took my chin and said, ‘kitten have I ever hurt you beyond your pain levels or marked you?’
‘No Sir.’ (Did you notice the shift a single word makes?)
‘Then you have to learn to trust me to never do that.’
I hang my head in shame and say, ‘I’m sorry.’
He lifts my head and kisses me and then says, ‘Forgiven’
There was no further mention of the safe word. He was actually glad I used it. He made sure I was fine and he made me a cup of coffee. The incident is gone and we were back to chatting as lovers.
It is easy to find yourself up against something you have no wish to do but draw out all of the knowledge as you can from your Top/bottom. Speak honesty but listen very carefully. As a bottom you have every right to say no and shift it to your limits, hard or soft. If it is something that just makes you feel weird, or something you don’t understand completely ask more questions. Mine was a straight forward but for more complicated things take your time. Communication is the key.
If it is something you find uncomfortable emotionally talk about how it makes you feel and don’t be put of if you are told you are just being silly. Tell them your feelings are not silly, they are real and important. Never let them say ‘This is going to happen tomorrow and you will obey.’
When it comes to things where a third is added to the mix and perhaps you are asked to engage with a person of the same sex but you have never done it before. Your instant answer could be no. Now we come to the reasons why you say no. If it is for religious reasons then your Top has to respect that. If, however, you say no because the idea revolts you then also a no must be respected. If it is because you have never done it talk about it and ask what your Top expects you to do. Break it down. Could you kiss her? Touch her breasts or touch her sex. Are you expected to go down on her? The biggest question of all is, unless your Top wants to just watch, he will be engaged with another woman. How would that affect you? Would you want to be the green eyed bitch that scratches her eyes out? It is all about what you would be comfortable doing. Take it in stages. What about if your Top wants to bring in a member of the opposite sex? In my case I mean another man. S. has even said if I wanted that he would go along but he is a committed straight guy lol. However I have no wish for another man. At the moment S. and I are happy with our dynamic but in the future I would love to bring a female playmate in with us but I am bisexual. Not everyone is.
You have every right to refuse.
To me, this is about integrity. This also shows the mark of a good Top if they are open to negotiations.
Have fun and stay safe.
S. and k.