Most of the posts I write in here are slanted towards the submissive but I want to dedicate this page just to the Tops.

How does a Top find the perfect bottom? Well pretty much the same way anyone does on a social site, they start talking. They will read a bottoms profile and look at the photo’s posted. They will also look through their fetishes and if they like what they see they will PM you. This is what happens in Fetlife, I don’t know about other sites.

A Top will want to see a little about you that isn’t about kinks, that you like music or walking, things like that. I  mean you are going to ultimately spend more time together outside of the scenes you indulge in. So, for all you bottoms out there make your profile interesting and a little deeper than I love to be whipped.

A Top will start talking to you in private messenger in Fet but won’t talk a lot about sex all the time. He will be more interested in you than how much whipping you can take. He is interested in you as a person. He will answer your questions honestly but he will also listen to your fears and concerns. He does not want to frighten you off. He will appreciate your honesty. He will also want to see how independent, intelligent and funny you are. Strong women or men are very attractive. They find no challenge in weak people.

The Top may want to talk on Skype or some other messenger and you may both exchange photographs. This is reasonable and it is fine to take your time. The one thing I can say is S. didn’t really mind how I looked but if I had been five foot eleven it would have caused problems as he is five foot six inches. Thank goodness I am just under five foot and he is a giant to me.

S, was intrigued by me. He listened for hours and when I mentioned things he just didn’t want to do to me he would listen and say ‘I see’. He would prompt me to talk more and we both dug down amongst that. There were things S. could not do for me. He was honest and I stayed and well we sorted it out. He made me feel stronger and that I didn’t have to do that any more. I asked a million questions too and he was happy to answer me. Once I started speaking about sex it was amazing how alike we were.

Next comes the meeting and I have said previously mentioned about safety issues but think for a moment about safety issues for the Top. He will have his own reservations as does the bottom. He can also have his insecurities. S. was worried about our first kiss, that he might bump noses with me. That made me giggle. He is a wonderful kisser btw.

Anyway, you are going to have your first sexual encounter. Just remember The Top will be careful and listen to your safe word and watch your safe gestures. He will be happy for you to have a list of things you will do and what you won’t for this particular scene. As he listens to you, when you have spoken, he will then talk about his wants and don’t wants. They are just as important as the bottoms. If you can’t get around these things it is better to just go for a coffee or a drink and part as friends.

So now you are together and your relationship is growing and is exciting. You have established all the serious things like limits and safe words and gestures. You have both spoken about goal’s and you are both happy. There is something not spoken about very often and I am not sure if it has a name but there can  be times when a Top needs a bit of time out because this relationship is highly emotional and it can seem overwhelming at times so it is important to find a hobby or just have a day or two away from the house. S. has his leather craft and he gets totally involved in it. He also likes wood work. Yes we have days out together and both take a break but a good hobby will help refresh most Tops.

Do not think he is sick of you, or that he doesn’t love you or doesn’t want to be your Top. Just realize he not only has to control himself, to some extent he has to have control of the bottom at times. That takes a lot of energy. There are times the bottom needs to take care of her Top. Do special things like cooking his favourite meal, running him a bath or give him a massage. He would do the same thing for you. Most of all, listen to him. Encourage them to talk if you can.

If your Top is ill, all play should stop as it takes a lot of energy to have a scene. Pamper them and ensure they take their meds if applicable. Even make them fresh chicken soup if you can because a Top will do the same for you. These things don’t only go one way.

Just because someone is a Top it does not make them omnipotent they are regular people with real needs. Their mental health must be good so by doing little things and by them having some hobbies they can do this.

This has been a hard post for me to write because I am not a Top but all I could do was to let you know what S. has told me. If there are things you can think of please add it to comments and it will be appreciated.

Have fun and stay safe.


Sir and kitten.


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