This is a more difficult subject to quantify but I will do my best without ballsing it up, I hope. The one of the biggest things that is not spoken about often, is finding the balance you need in your lives. Not so much your day to day lives but your kinky life.
Finding balance within your day to day lives seems simpler to do.
In Fetlife if you go into Fresh & Pervy you will see adverts for a young Dom that is looking for a sub. That’s it. I am a Dom. What does that even mean? Can you understand what kind of a man he is or a Domme? Yeah they can say Daddy Dom and that gives you a vague idea that it will mean you will dress up as a little and he will be your pretend ‘Daddy’, but what then? Yes I know you will talk to them in PM’s and slowly begin to iron out what they want and what you want. It might even begin when you meet and see if the chemistry is there. After you have had some regular dates, you think you would like to take it to the next level and have kinky sex. Do you really understand what he expects of you? Did you tell him what you like? What you dislike and what you won’t do.
If this Dom has said anything that sounds like, ‘you don’t need a safe word because I am very experienced so I will know what is right for you’. ‘Trust me’, or ‘I know what I am doing’. Do not hang around. What should happen is the submissive should say, I don’t mind a little spanking of medium strength strikes with your hand. I will not be tied up while this happens but once it is ended you may tie up my hands. I love giving head jobs and I will swallow but no anal sex. I do like primal sex.’ You can say things like ‘Under these circumstances I will yield to you and leave the power in your hands’. Then say ‘my safe word and safe gesture is….. and if I use it I want you to stop what you are doing immediately’. Then you can ask your prospective Dom if he has anything he would like to try and listen to them. If they seem reasonable then incorporate it too. This takes the place of limits for your first encounter.
I am certain you might find this so far off your ideas of submissiveness but this shows what you like and how much self respect you have. It shows strength. If the Dom argues for more then that, just get up and leave. A good Dom would actually like you have this level of maturity and knowledge of your kink.
If the scene works well and you decide to meet again then you negotiate a lot more and set your limits and always say my safe word is until the relationship is established. Your Dom/Domme will also have his own desires and needs so give him as much attention as he did to you. This is where balance comes into the picture.
You are searching for a level set of scales. How deep do you want to be in this dynamic to be? Do you want him to do things like the finances. I don’t mean he gets all the money but he pays the bills. What level of service does he expect from you, will you sit at his feet? Does he want you to wear a collar all the time? Does he expect you to cook every meal? Has he given you a list of chores for you to do? What about bed times for littles? What you are to wear? What happens to your wages and what happens to his? All of these things are about finding your balance with each other.
A scene is a scene, a dynamic can be everything outside of the scene in this post.
Negations done well at the beginning of a relationship can set a strong base to build on. If you negotiate from a place of weakness you could end up becoming a doormat and no one wants that do they? Being a doormat isn’t being submissive. Oh no I don’t mean to make that sound negative for all you wonderful submissives that enjoy a total exchange 24/7 out there, as long as it is a position of your choosing and you are happy it is perfectly fine. Lots of people enjoy a full time submissive life and I can say I know one lady on here that does enjoy that but she is no doormat and is fiercely strong. What I am striving for is a way two people (or more) can speak about what they are looking for and live perfectly happy.
Does striving for balance end after you set down the things you have spoken about? Hell no! If you have said something that you think you want and it doesn’t meet your ideas about it and it is affecting you either physically or mentally then it is time to start talking again. Nothing is written in stone. There are times in a woman’s cycle where pain affects her tolerance harder so ensure you mention it. Also mention if your breasts are tender just before you menstruate. Speak about allergies for things like latex or a dislike of gag’s it must be talked about right from the beginning.
I know that nothing stays the same forever and you will want to try new things, so too will your Dom/Domme, so make the time to talk about it out of a scene, not when you are in a scene. If you are in a relationship right now and you wish to speak seriously to your partner there is a way to do it so that it doesn’t take away your submissive nature. Ask if you can have a META talk. A meta talk is a talk you have where you are both equal in power. You can speak freely and not bruise ego’s or challenge authority.
I know for some people it is very hard to talk about kinky things and some can seem too ‘dark’ to the uninitiated, you must get over that. A good Dom/Domme will honestly appreciate the fact you know yourself better than he/she does and they can take their lead from you. Knowing your desires can bring new excitement and you might find your partner has wanted to try it too. Take the bull by the horns but if you can’t do that, then write it down. Hand them a list and that way no mistakes happen.
Now say you are in the enviable position of having two Dom’s or one relationship has broken down and you are talking to another new Dom. How alike will they be? Will they want exactly the same from you? Of course not. They will be completely different. Start the process all over again. If you have just split from a Dom please take time to grieve over it. This also goes for submissives, we don’t all have a book of rules which we all adhere to just as we don’t have the same list of kinks we enjoy. Sorry kids, we have to put in the work to make this wonderful.
This is not just something for a D/s relationship but for all kink relationships.
The more open your communication the better your lives and the greater your pleasure.
Have fun and stay safe.
Sir and kitten
Any comments are appreciated.