I know I have spoken about safety protocols in previous posts but I want to have a post just about safe words and gestures as I think they are some of the most important things in any BDSM. relationships.
Safe words and gestures are the first things to establish BEFORE you even go into the bedroom or dungeon *evil grin*. Now what can a safe word be? Well consider this, if you are in a scene where your Top is playing the wicked and evil Dominant, the damsel in distress will often call, ‘No! Stop! Let me go!’ so words like that are confusing and mistakes can happen.
I have a safe word and it is Apple. Not in any way is it sexual but my S. knows it and everything stops immediately after I say it. After over 10 years with him I have only used it once and it had nothing to do with sex. It is also different enough to sound very odd in a scene.
When a safe word is uttered not only should everything stop but you must be given the chance to say why you said it. You should also be comforted if you are upset. Every good Top will do this and will avoid what you said it for. If you become upset then perhaps stop the play for another time and completely spend the time in each others arms.
Never consider yourself weak or less submissive and become afraid of using your safe word. All of those things are untrue. If you accept something that you did not like and do not use your safe words it will continue to happen because your Top has no idea about your feelings. I speak a lot about the Top earning your trust, but he has to be able to trust you to bring about an immediate end to anything that does not bring you pleasure. Just because we enjoy our kinks does not mean we forego our physical or mental health. This is very, very important to know for the wellbeing of your relationship.
Now picture this, you are tied up and you are wearing a gag, or you are giving your partner an earth shattering blow job but he grabs your head and he pulls your head down. Safe word, safe word. It would sound more like ‘mbbblnjsd!’ This is where your safe gesture comes in handy. Mine is snapping fingers or blinking quickly. That way, no matter my position I can get my beloved S. to stop whatever is going on.
Having this system in place will save a lot of fear and mistrust. Establish this just before you set up your list of Limits. It really is this important to do.
The last one to mention is if you are a fan of being choked. This can restrict the flow of blood to the brain and cause you to pass out. If done the right way and not meant to make you pass out it can feel amazing. What I do is place a hand on my darling S. like his shoulder or thigh and if my hand drops he knows I am about to pass out.
I do not promote the act of choking as it can go horribly wrong and auto choking with a rope tied to a doorhandle has seen the death of a few celebrities like Michael Hutchinson and many others so please be careful. S. knows exactly what he is doing. I love the restriction not the death bit!
Please excuse my levity and I hope it hasn’t detracted from the serious nature of the post but, well you know me and I do have to slip in a chuckle or two.
If you are setting down your safe word and gesture put it with your limits. Yes write it down and yes both sign it. Mind you if you are in a long standing relationship with a partner you know inside out writing them down seems rather much but only you can know who needs to sign a copy.
Please have fun and stay safe.
Sir and kitten
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