Everyone has their own idea of what a Dominant is and normally they get it all wrong and mix up stereotypical images for the true meaning of it. When I first talked to my darling S. I was looking for a Master like my first one, which is pretty sad if you have read anything about him. When I spoke to S. I discovered he was an Alpha male with some pretty big kinks, *wink*.
He didn’t call himself a Dom, as a matter of fact he doesn’t really align himself as a Dom now. He is like me and has shrugged off all labels. We spoke about all aspects of submissiveness that turned me on and he kinda liked them from the opposite perspective. He was intelligent, clever, witty and grew into his dominance. I fell in love with him.
He knew I was sort of broken and my mental health was not good. Not the best place to start a new relationship on. He spent hours talking to me, listening to me and just being kind and giving me space to grow. Now, thanks to his help I am strong, independent and unrecognizable from that sad girl. Anyway I digress…
If you have the image of a rich man, dressed in a suit while you kneel before him, please read on. I know I post images like this but they are all a concoction and staged. Dominants like that can be impossible to find. Oh wait there is Christian Grey….. damn again, mythical. If you have a romantic idea or a fantasy in your head, please let it go. Good Doms wear jeans and T shirts, sweats and sometimes dress smartly. They can be fat or thin and just a regular Joe. Over time you will learn about their dominance and it won’t come out all in one big blob. I know if you are new to this you might be a little afraid but if the Dom is new too, he will have his own misgiving’s.
Perhaps you see a Dom as a man/woman that will take up control of your whole life so you can just be available for sex and not have to worry about life. Oh you could not be more wrong. Such a god of Domliness rarely exists. In fact I doubt they actually do exist. You could walk past a Dom in the shopping mall and never know.
That is an unreasonable way of thinking and good Dominants would laugh their heads off thinking about that concept. Most Dominants consider a submissive to be his equal in all things. They look for an independent, strong woman/man that is also intelligent. Where is the challenge in dominating a weak will, mentally unstable submissive? They might end up being your 24/7 relationship as in a marriage and to be landed with a submissive that can’t hold a decent conversation or have a battle of wills with you rapidly become tiresome.
If you are going to ask your husband about being a Dominant you will seen signs of it. He might pin your hands down or enjoy rough sex or like you to wear sexy clothes. it doesn’t always mean he is a Dominant but it could be something to raise a conversation about it if you wish.
There is one Dom I would warn you about. One that is young. If they are in their 20’s they have not lived enough to be a Dom. I know this is a broad and sweeping statement but if you read F & P in Fetlife you will see dozens of them. In my experience they have been young men insecure in their sexual prowess so they think by practicing his idea of dominance, he will have more sexual appeal. All I can say here is you will end up giving him lots of head jobs. As always there are exceptions to this and if you have a good one look after him.
The Dominant must treat you with RESPECT and earn your TRUST. Never submit unless you are sure about that.
I can tell you a story, my story and that way you can understand what we went through to arrive where we are now.
We first met over twelve years ago in a chat room. I had been in the lifestyle before but my previous Master died. I had a child too and that sort of impacts on any relationship. I grieved for my husband/Master for a couple of years, not wanting to get into any relationship either a normal one or a lifestyle one. However, I felt lonely.
I reached out and found a man that knew what he wanted. I told him about my previous lifestyle and he never once put me down for it, but he was intrigued. The more I spoke to him the more I felt I could trust him. We talked and we talked but I knew that Sir was not into being a replacement for my Master. That was both fantastic and frustrating. I knew he was an Alpha as I said before but I wasn’t sure how deeply it ran in him.
He taught me to have confidence and wanted me to show him my intelligence which I had in the past hidden. It had a remarkable effect on me. I no longer wanted to be a slave. He showed me love.
I had some desperate emotional issues and so too did my S. We also took a break of about 2 years so that we could both sort ourselves out and learn to be better people. Take heart even we have our ups and downs.
One day I had an email from my Sir out of the blue and it was a simple ‘How are you?’ email.
I answered very carefully and I told him I was fine. We emailed for a short while then we began to skype. I knew one thing from the outset I still loved this man. I never stopped.
We picked up the labels Dominant and submissive because it was easier to quantify what we were doing.
All along my S. knew that when he asked anything of me I did it without thought and not because it excited me. It was great for me but Sir didn’t want me to be this way. This time he wanted to try an experiment and that was for us to lead a vanilla life. We were pretty good at it. However, after a few months I was feeling strange, as if there was something missing. I spoke with him and I was able to verbalize what I felt.
As a vanilla woman I didn’t feel safe. All I can say to make you understand is I could take care of myself but as my dominant it was as if his arms were around me all the time. I also knew before I had obeyed because I was afraid to lose him. That was the aha moment. He wanted me to submit because it excited me and he reassured me that nothing could make him go away. He held me and said ‘Now we can be who we are meant to be.’
It may sound clichéd and overly romantic but it worked for us. Through all the years he learned my hard and soft limits. We are learning about pain levels because he wants me to enjoy it rather than endure it.
The thing I want to show you is we talked, boy did we talk. We still do.
We experimented to discover everything we could about each other.
We took our time and we sorted out ourselves out.
He trusts and respects me always.
We share a great love. To me that is a combination that cannot fail.
A good Dominant wants to see fire in your eyes, he wants to see the moment you think about what he wants and it excites you. He wants to know you can survive without him but you choose to stay. Submission is a gift for him and he would do nothing to jeopardize that.
He wants to know that you are strong, independent, fiery yet you choose to knee before him and call him Sir. That is what a good Dominant wants to have.
One thing a Dominant should strive for and that is to have his submissive feeling better than she was before the scene began. Even if you have a red bottom from a spanking it will continue to remind a submissive of the pleasure they experienced.
Taking this to a more general meaning. Should your relationship be either part time, on line or even a relationship that is long term. The same thing applies, they would want to have you feel better for the experiences you share. Should your long term relationship end then this is more difficult but if you have had a positive Dominant/submissive relationship try to remember this.
If a Dominant strives for this, it will bring feelings of pride and it will also intensify their pleasure.
Sir has given me a lot of this to write in here and he wants you to know this as the most important thing for him …
‘Knowing the power kitten has given me over her life has made me more thoughtful and careful with how I deal with her than I would in a vanilla relationship. I am much more considered in my decision making. This would apply even if we were in a different kinky dynamic.
It is a powerful thought that during play I could use her in which ever way I wished but I choose to do things we both enjoy. Her safe word is important to me because I know I will never go too far with her. This actually gives me more freedom because I know she will use it.
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Have fun and stay safe
Sir and kitten