To me Limits should be discussed before the relationship begins but there is a way that a limit can happen even if you have been together for years. That is if you try something new and you don’t enjoy it. Then it can become a hard or a soft limit. Limits are important because they set your boundaries, like a railing between you and the experience so that you are not harmed physically or mentally. Your mental well being is just as important as the physical ones. I have a limit that is an emotional one and I don’t want to cross that line. Though I love to be spanked and flogged I could never strike another person. There is an exception to that and that is slapping my wonderful S. He enjoys it and I love what happens when I do it. However we did practice so I knew how hard to slap. I started off light and increased the power bit by bit until he said that was the right strength. That was fine but to make a sustained act of spanking on another person would run against everything I believe in. I am not Wiccan but they have a saying that I live by… ‘And it harm none, so mote it be.’ as I can’t use the Golden Rule, ‘Do as you would be done by’. I do enjoy a red bottom *giggles*.
But back to the matter at hand. You need to sit down together and sort out a list of limits. Write them out in black and white so that there can be no mistakes made. Nothing undermines a relationship as much as barrelling through a limit. This is an very important thing to discuss between submissives and their partner A dominant might have a few of their own even though they are Dominant. My darling S. Has a limit and it might surprise you. He is in charge of how much he can whip me but not because he wants to whip me harder, it is because he doesn’t like the idea of whipping me severely. I have always been able to ‘take’ a lot of pain but he doesn’t want to put me in the position where I ‘take’ it he wants to take me to the place before it becomes like that and I am enjoying the process. His hard limits are the same as mine really.
There are two different kinds of limits.
- Hard Limits. These are things you never want to try under any circumstances. I have hard limits and mine are.
- Blood Letting (cutting or bleeding welts.)
- Age Play (daddy/daughter)
- Scars (Usually from whipping)
- The use of heavy whips.
- Anything to do with Urine
- No faecal matter. (yes you have to set these down in the beginning) You will find most Doms are not into it too which helps but just make sure.
- Sharing me with another man.
Some more are:-
- Harsh pain like a heavy flogging. One that leaves you bleeding
- Having extreme bondage like suspension.
- Anything that causes you fear.
- Anything that could be called abuse.
- Having the consensual/non consensual play such as a scene where you offer up all control to your Dominant. This one is a fantasy of many women but I am unsure about that for men. Be 100% sure you can trust your Dom and know he will stay within your boundaries. If you have no wish to try this then put this on your Hard Limits list.
- Water Boarding (Either holding your head under water or placing a cloth over your face and putting water all over it.
- Putting a plastic bag over your head.
- Taping your eyes as a blindfold. (This sounds silly but it hurts and can damage your eyes.
- Soft Limits. These are ones that you might be willing try and experiment with, but they make you uncomfortable. Such as,
- Spanking with hand, hairbrush, flogger, paddle. Usually on the ass but can be the breasts and the pussy. Take these one at a time.
- Bondage, in all it’s forms. The more intricate of bondage is the Japanese ropes works called Shibari. I will be writing about Bondage in the future.
- Wearing fetish clothing and masks such as the full gimp hood.
- Toys, such as vibrators, dildos, clips and clamps. Far too many to list them all but you know what I mean. It is fun to go to your nearest adult shop and just look around and make a mental note of the ones that make you nervous but you find them erotic.
- Mummifying (Wrapping your body with either plastic shrink wrap or bandages or with latex.
Limits are not a sign of weakness they are a show of strength because respect of yourself is so important to keep your mental self well balanced. Some of the things in BDSM can have a backlash. If you indulge in something you can possibly have thoughts of guilt about how you can enjoy such a practice. This can also be a case of sub drop. Talk with your Top and make sure you explain how you feel and ask to put the offending event on either your soft or hard limits. I will actually also say the conversation with your partner is important so that he can reassure you about such feelings of guilt. Everyone has experienced it at one time or another.
Mention if you have any allergies with latex or any other ones. These are important for your Dom to know.
I hope this answers a few of your questions. Just don’t rush into anything and make sure you tell your partner all of your hard and soft limits. These lists can be changed if you encounter something you don’t like. If there is something on your soft limits you try and you never want to do it again it is then bumped up to the hard limits.
If you are new to the scene you might not know what things you want to put on your list but thanks to nijntje’s wonderful comment I would like to submit a link to a web page that lists a lot of the things you might find helpful. Click here to check them out.
As I mentioned before my S. has a few things he is reluctant to do and it is all about my health. With my previous Master I used to get very emotional and my head was filled with dark thoughts I used to ask for a real beating. I was his slave and he was very willing to do that. My S. now knows there are much better ways to deal with a racing mind and emotions. The beauty of this now is, so do I. I don’t believe anything should be done to calm your mind using BDSM. It should come from a place of strength not weakness because if overdone it causes more harm than good. I do know that being tied up makes me calm down but S. doesn’t tie me up to calm me down. He does it to excited us both.
Beating me hard to settle a disturbed mind was a soft limit of Sir’s and he would have done it for me but I have asked him to make it a hard limit. He was very happy to do that because the whole thing made him uncomfortable. He has never thrashed me.
All of these things are meant to make your sexual journey a happy and safe one.
Have fun and be safe.
Sir and kitten.
If you have questions please contact us and we will do our best to answer you. Any comments are appreciated.