This is a subject I feel passionately about as it has been a part of my journey. I read a post by nijntje from nijntje & The Bear about mental illness called Give me wings to fly. and it prompted me to write this.
I want to also say that I am not a professional councillor and if you think you have a mental health issue I would urge you to seek medical help. This is my journey not advice.
My name is kitten and I have Bipolar. I am NOT kitten who IS Bipolar. There is a big difference in those two statements. I am not an illness I am me. For those who don’t know what that is I will put it very simplistically. It is a mental illness where the person has mood swings from terrible depression to manic highs. Bear in mind that is very basic. It can have variations and people can suffer it in varying degrees. It is controlled with medication, therapy, or combinations of both.
I have experienced both depression and mania and neither are much fun. The aim of someone with this disorder is to find their middle ground. Thankfully I am here right now and I strive to remain here. The thought of anyone seeking out a person when they are vulnerable in any mental illness is abhorrent to me. The thought it makes them more submissive makes me really angry. Ok that’s the end of my vent.
For me and my Sir. We come from a strong place, meet together in our arena and form a power exchange. To come to him when I am weakened or emotionally fragile would take away from the exchange. Also he would never take advantage of me that way because he loves me more than that. Where can you feel inspired to accept the submission from a person in no condition to submit?
It has been a long journey over the years for us. When we met I would have done anything he asked me to. He never asked or demanded. That confused me no end. I was here and the perfect lil sub and he didn’t want that. Sure we had sex. We played a lot but he never went in for the kill and that confused me. He armed me and we went dragon slaying, *wink*
I had a lot to overcome but with Him beside me we chipped away at all the crap. I was full of crap, beliefs about myself, totally the wrong ideas about the lifestyle so much crap, what I would endure and why he didn’t want my endurance.
We quickly fell in love but I was not mentally healthy. I went to therapy, lots of it. I was finally diagnosed correctly and they got my meds right. All the time and along the way He was there with me, holding my hand, keeping me on the right track. However he didn’t move in on me, did not demand submission, he just waited patiently. I have to say my man is amazing and has always put my needs before his own.
He smiled when I began jumping up and down madly when I found my middle ground. Boy did I stomp around, testing the edges, finding the strengths and weaknesses. I even danced on it and all the time Sir watched me grow. He held me when I cried, warmed me when I was cold and kept me company through the long dark nights.
Along the way I kept looking at my submissive side, all the things I felt I was and they were dropping off the field of play. I didn’t realize they were not needed. To my horror Sir released me from being his submissive and this wasn’t all that long ago. Talk about turning my world on it’s head. We weren’t breaking up, I was just free. Free to be exactly who I wanted to be. We still had scenes but basically I was able to lead the way we played. For anyone that knows me they will know I am not dominant in many ways but once or twice I flew close to the flame.
My life opened up and bloomed. He encouraged me to keep going, even willing to risk me getting so strong I didn’t need him any more. Now I am strong and I don’t need him any more. I love and desire him and I want to be here by his side. We meet and we have no idea what will happen in a scene until we look in each others eyes. He doesn’t ask for submission, I offer it. If I feel weak in any way he will simply care for me and we know we can return to it when we are both well.
What is the point of being dominant of a submissive that is less than her best? Man or Woman up, encourage your submissive to be all they can be. If you need to find a submissive that is unable to think straight to dominate then that really speaks volumes about the type of dominant you are.
And the end of my taste of freedom? I am still free. If you would ask me what I am I would simply say, I am His, but I am at my strongest and I know exactly who and what I am. If you were to ask Him who I am he would say I am amazing, strong, free and I am His. It is far from perfect by all the labels bandied around but it is perfect for us.
The reason I took the time to write this is because mental clarity and good emotional health makes for a better relationship, not depression or mania. Every time I submit to Sir it is my choice, it is never demanded and it is very powerful so accept nothing less for yourself. I can assure you Sir finds it so much more exciting too.
It is worth fighting for it.
Sir and kitten.
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