Okay I spoke to Sir about this before I decided to do it so here goes.
If you have read some of my posts you will have read that I have been battling breast cancer. I had a double mastectomy and then new implants and I had my ovaries removed. I made this choice because I didn’t want the cancer to come back, so that reassures me for my future.
I am undergoing chemo right now and having this blog has given me something to do when I am not sleeping. So guys you are my lifeline.
I know this will make my Sir blush but I don’t have the words adequate to describe how much he has done for me. Through every crisis he has been there holding my hand. He never steps away from me, never misses a beat when something bad happens. I would not be here without him. Before you ask, yes he still get’s Domly but only when he needs to. Mainly if I am unwell, he makes me go to the medical staff treating me. He holds me, keeps me warm and dries my tears. My daughter and friends are a part of my team too.
The reason I wanted to write this though is there is something insidious at work here in me. Having my breasts removed, even though they have been reconstructed, has made me feel they are alien and fake. They are the type that walk out of a plastic surgeon’s office and my old ones were far from prefect but they were mine. I don’t want to sound like someone being ungrateful but I am still trying to come to grips with them. Then my ovaries have gone. I don’t have use for them. Of course my hair is gone too. Some of my eyebrows are falling out and I am praying I don’t lose them.
The treatment for this is earth shattering. As Sir tells me I am taking poison to kill the cancer whilst keeping the host organism alive. Not sure how I feel about being a host organism. I am not ill, I haven’t got cancer inside me now so once the chemo is done I have the hardest part done.
What I mainly wanted to talk about, considering the theme of the blog is sexual and I feel as if I have been stripped of my sexual being. To put it another way, there are four things that make me a woman. First is the vagina and I still have one of those in working order. Breasts, two new ones, ovaries are gone but the hardest was to lose was my hair. I had waist length hair that Sir loves to pull or use as an anchor point. My daughter cut it into a bob then it started falling out quickly and a buzz cut later I am bald as a coot.
I took a look at myself last night after a bath. All I could do was sob. My curves have gone as I have lost so much weight. It was as if my femininity has been stripped from me. Yes I have breasts but they are not mine, yet. No doubt they will be soon.
What this is about right now is being in a situation I can’t change and my life is controlled by a great team of wonderful staff but the control isn’t in my hands. I don’t feel pretty. They will sit with me and hold my hand if I cry, give me warming blankets when I get cold and coax me to eat things that never want to stay down. I seem to be cold all the time and I have what Sir and I call a nest. Electric blankets under and over me. It just about roasts him yet he crawls in with me. They warn you about everything, what can and can’t happen. I was never warned about the physical pain. It is in all of my joints but now I have good pain meds but they shut down my brain at times.
Sir has told me that everything he loves is still here, my mind, my soul and my heart and the other things will come back soon enough. In my sensible head I know this but all I can see now is that reflection with big, horrified eyes.
Please listen to this girls story because she is my heroine. It is my fight song too.
Thanks for listening to this diatribe. I don’t even know if I will post it.
I decided to post.
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