At this point, at the very beginning of this post I want to start by saying I am not a psychologist or a doctor, I am simply just a woman who happens to be a submissive too.
My headspace is sometimes governed by the day to day things like running a house, cleaning and buying groceries. In fact some of my time is caught up in those pursuits and it ticks over nicely. Well that and this blog. I really like blogging. I am actually a person that loves to read, listen to music and dance naked in the garden. However I have not actually tried dancing naked in the garden but the idea does appeal. It is way too cold to try but maybe this summer…
Every day opportunities present themselves before us and we must take up those that appeal. Would I prefer to wash floors instead of a chance to be into my Sir’s arms…? No contest, I would spend the day in his arms. Sometimes we do that and I snuggle into him for cuddles. Nothing more, just cuddles. Those are very important and special times. It is so essential for our relationship that we love each other. If, for some reason love died between us, then the rest would seem hollow and lost. Every stroke of the lash is done with care and love. Be brave and look inside your own head space turf out the things that do not serve you well. Look in every corner, look for what is important to you. Surround it with strength not to hide it just to keep it safe for when you find that special person. I know that I trust Sir completely. He has never in his time with me ever hurt me or pushed my limits.
The other day we had done some pretty heavy flirting and it was taking us into some heavy and exciting scene. I knew he wanted to do it too and he was very aroused. Just as it was going to start I looked at him and said, ‘Play with me, please’ and he started tickling me. This was not what we had planned but because of what I am going through he instantly changed direction. I didn’t use a safe word, or a safe gesture. He just was ready to come on strong and he wanted that, but he shifted direction. I know he would have done that even if I was completely healthy but then I would not have wanted to shift direction. That was a powerful thing for me to know he loved me enough to do that. I must admit it did end up rough but I was the one to encourage that not him. After it was over we lay together and just snuggled and he needed to know if I was okay and I was just fine. By the way I wasn’t topping from the bottom it was a request because I wasn’t sure I could do what was we had planned.
Things like this affect my headspace greatly and yes, for the best reasons. Right now it is very healthy. I know Sir and I are very strong together, that no problem can defeat us.
Now bring my submissiveness into the equation. This can be a mind field for me. I find the need to submit so very overwhelming at times. You all should know I am an independent woman with very strong beliefs. If you met me in real life you would never pick me as submissive. That wasn’t always the case. My mindset was one of complete submission and to put it mildly I was a wimp. I had a previous relationship as that of Master and slave. It was something I was groomed to do and at eighteen I became his slave. It was a total commitment and I had no safe words, no safe gestures. I was taken to some pretty dark places. It was always laced with pleasure but it was a tough life. I just didn’t know any better. I had no headspace just a place I could go when the lash bit deeply. I endured, but there were times I enjoyed where he took me and I felt ashamed of myself. As you know he had cancer of the lungs and died.
My headspace was in chaos. I could not function. To suddenly be cut off from a place of submission into a chaotic mind stuck in a world that had no use for me. My child was the only thing I had left to hold onto.
I have a dear friend who helped me deal with day to day issues but he took care of the harder things. He was strictly homosexual and friendship came easily with him. He was asked to care for me by my Master but he did it because he liked me. He was the big brother I never had.
The need to find a Master was overwhelming but I held back because I wasn’t really over the grief. I knew to enter a relationship like that had little chance of surviving. I was in emotional pain and only physical pain could bring me peace. That is fraught with danger. I had to clean out my headspace BIG TIME.
I tossed out what I could. I stayed alone long enough to grieve for my former Master. He was my husband too so I had to mourn that loss too. I had to protect my young child and help her through not having a daddy any more. I looked at all that had happened to me and I also had to consider what kinds of things I wanted in my headspace.
Strangely enough I wanted to find another Master, to this day I wonder why. I think because it was something I knew. So I blithely went into a chat room. I can’t remember which one. I said hello and up popped a private message. It was Sir. Right then and there my life changed. From that very night my headspace changed.
He told me he was married and he was looking for a permanent third for them both. I explained a potted version of me. We both would have loved to play on that first night but he didn’t try. At the end of a long chat he said he wanted to talk to his wife about me and then we could see how things went. I thought, okay this man is very different. He would not do anything before she had talked to me and decided if I was her type. Ok this was unheard of in a chat room. No, this man was different.
His wife and I hit it off almost right away. Everything looked rosy but life can be very cruel. She passed away suddenly. I tried my best to help Sir through the pain of it and he had children. Things were not easy and I knew that I couldn’t go on and so we split. I felt hollow, I felt lost and I felt so sad. So headspace was looking and feeling full of crushing defeat. I loved him so damned much. The inevitable pain took a long time to heal but I know I had done the right thing for us both. After two years I got an email and I was so cold to him. I had put up my walls and convinced myself being alone was better for me. It was easier. He really did just want to find out how I was. I sent him back one very icy reply and asked how he was. My headspace was lead lined with no door in, I thought. We exchanged emails for a short while and click, the door that was hiding opened, ‘Let’s talk on Skype’ I said….Well, I had done it. After so long I really did think I was over him. I wasn’t, I loved him more than before. He had got rid of his demons. He was a different man and so much more.
Once I understood how much I really did love him all the darkness in my headspace blew out and all the things I had been holding on to. It was time to start anew.
Every day he helped me to find what I really wanted and even now it is evolving. My headspace now is filled with a desire to be submissive and it is in a very healthy place. I have taken what I had been used to and completely accepted all areas within that place. There is no darkness now, only light. Yes I have darker desires but when we explore them, Sir drags them into the light. He is never shocked or unwilling to try them. If they work for both of us then it remains in my headspace.
The hardest thing to do is speak about the desires that could shock and then guilt fills your head. I am lucky and I know it. We talk about these things calmly and respectfully and we haven’t discovered a single thing that we won’t enjoy. I have a clear mind now; I know this is right for me. There is no shame or feelings of guilt, all the things that affect your journey in BDSM. Be brave and speak up.
Make your headspace clearer, filled with great events. Then, when your partner has earned your trust, start mentioning things to him. If you are frightened, feeling guilty or ashamed and your headspace has some negative things inside it, bring it out, dust it off and see if you want to keep it or night.
Meanwhile, with me I just have to hear the word ‘kitten’ spoken by my Sir My headspace blasts into action and submission fills every part of me. What we share is possible to find, just refuse to settle.
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Sir and kitten.