I don’t know how many of you belong to Fetlife but at the moment there is a really big ‘Hot Potato’ doing the rounds about safety for women and a few of the women there have decided to deactivate their accounts for three days.

It is a demonstration to try and get the owner of Fetlife to alter their terms of use. Women need to be able to feel safe and try to find a way to voice what has happened to them. They want to be able to name and shame the abusers and put a copy of what was said as proof. Right now you are not allowed to name the abuser. I am not here to go into all the crap flying in there but I want to speak about something I promote in here…SAFETY.

What I want to deal with is if you are safe while actively looking for a partner.

  1. If you are on a dating site you may have trouble making a profile stating your sexual preferences and Fetlife provides a way to do that. If writing your profile, be careful what you put into your fetishes. The fantasy of being abducted could be mistaken as a rape and that is a flag to every questionable character. Put just a few simple ones.
  2. Don’t put your face on Fetlife. You can put a part of your face on, like your mouth.
  3. Don’t put sexual pictures of your body in your profile as that will draw the trolls out of the wood work. There are those few on Fetlife that will tear you apart for them calling you disgusting names. Make sure you understand that they can get your pictures and plaster them anywhere.
  4. There is a list of things for what you want from Fetlife. Things like a Master, a Mistress, Events things you are looking for. If you put Dominant or Mistress you will get messages where the person might say ‘get on your knees slut’. Block them
  5. If a Dom messages you and his avatar is a question mark DON’T TALK TO THEM.
  6. Check out profiles and see how much they have said about themselves. IF IT IS EMPTY, don’t reply.
  7. If you get a friends request with no messages attached DON’T FRIEND THEM.
  8. If anyone is either abusive or threatening, BLOCK THEM.
  9. I am a member of Fetlife and I have only been abused once and it was a girl. I left that time. I went back and my profile clearly states I am attached, collared, and engaged to Sir. I am @Anything-for-Sir in there. If you read my profile it is a great way for me to ensure I don’t get any real activity except I love to write erotica there and to support Sir. I also put down I was looking for friendship. I will not friend anyone there unless they have spoken to Sir and that is on my profile. That is so he can protect me.
  10. If a man sends you a picture of his penis don’t bother talking to them. Same goes if he has only dick pics on his pictures.
  11. If talking on Fetlife blooms into a good relationship and you want to meet your date. MAKE IT A PUBLIC DATE. If the person tries to get you alone, DON’T GO. A good Dom will always respect a public meeting and be happy to do that.
  12. If you meet for a coffee somewhere and all they talk about is how good they are and talk about nothing else but sex, save yourself the heartache, they are not a good Dom. A good one will want to get to know you first.
  13. Make sure they know your limits and safe words and you can write them down and show them but only if you get on well.
  14. Have a number of dates in public but eventually you will graduate to being alone. This is something I would do to ensure my safety. Write down what you are going to do and what you will allow them to do and write it with every single thing you can think of. When you are getting close to wanting to take your relationship up a level get them to sign the list and take the list home because if something goes horribly wrong you will have a signed contract to show the limits of your relationship. IF THEY WON’T SIGN…WALK! If they ask ‘Don’t you trust me?’ I would say ‘no’ and leave.
  15. If they are cagey about their real name or they don’t talk about their real life, this isn’t mysterious. If they don’t talk much about themselves at best/ they could be hiding a wife and kids at home, at worse/ they could be a serial rapist. Run Away.
  16. If you are just looking for a play partner you must be safe too so learn as much as you can about them. They are looking for someone to have sex with, so will not be as willing to meeting in public, they just want regular sex.
  17. This is something I need you to know. First off this person has been banned for life from Fetlife. He is currently up on charges for rape. He is an Australian business man and he is rich and very handsome and he was going to places overseas to rape young women. He looked like the real stereotypical Dom but he was a monster. None of the girls had an abduction or rape fantasy he simply raped them.
  18. One little thing, ask for a medical certificate of STD’s. Ask them to have one and make sure you have one too. If they can’t, make sure condoms are used. Some will say ‘I’m allergic to condoms’, or they just rip them off just as they enter you. It is a breach of consent.
  19. If you go to event and someone is inappropriate with you, report them to the organizer. They will be your protection.

These are all of the ones I can think of but if you can think of others please give a comment. I pray I have not terrified you because we all need a safe environment to explore our sexuality.

I am not putting down Fetlife as it is great place when it works well. Please use it and have fun with it. If you are young and inexperienced take my warnings and it should keep you as safe as you can be.

If you have questions…Contact Us

Sir and kitten.

adorable-new-born-kitten-with-dog-friend-r-default RETURN TO HOME PAGE



10 Comments on “Safety Issues

  1. This is very true, I had an account years ago and eventually I decided it wasn’t worth the stress. This is an incredibly helpful guide, thank you for writing it 🙂


  2. I care about every single person that comes to this blog. They are not just hit’s on the statics and I couldn’t let the subject go and not give some guidelines for them. I have taken the best advice from a number of posts and what I gleaned was this post. Thank you so much for your comment because I respect you a lot.


  3. I’ve been dealing with a very similar issue. would you mind if I re-blogged this to my site? I think it might fill in the blanks very nicely and let the abused know that they are not alone!
    Wonderful points, thank you very much for taking the time to put them all together!


    • Go ahead and copy and post. Where this is concerned I want to spread the word. I don’t even mind if you take my name off it. This goes for any other people that would like it.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Fantabulous!! Thank you. I have no intention of taking your name off but I do want the word out! 😀 Wonderful!


  4. Couple of points id like to add if I could darling for meeting in real life. For that first coffee date set up a safe call so that a friend calls you about an hour into the date to make sure your safe also ask for some form of identification so you know his or her real name in case you ever need that information. Also use a safe call the first time your going to be alone with a new person


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